Is everyone watching porn? Where have I been? A couple I know is breaking up, possibly in part because he’s gotten into porn and maybe some kinky stuff that she’s not into. I don’t know the details because, despite what men think, most women don’t talk about everything, especially things people might judge or we feel shame about. Like your husband watching porn. A lot.
Based on two brief views of porn years ago and the movie Boogie Nights, I’ve always thought that porn was seedy and vile; that it objectified and demeaned women in the worst ways, and led to unrealistic and unhealthy expectations of sex. I saw no need for it, and never gave it much thought.
Instead of just sticking my head in the sand and clinging to my uninformed beliefs, I did a little research and was shocked to learn that most men, a lot of teens, and a growing number of women are watching porn on the Internet. Peggy Orenstein in her book Girls & Sex writes “40 percent of children ages ten to seventeen have been exposed to porn online, many accidentally,” and “90 percent of men and a third of women had viewed porn during the preceding year” according to a survey of college students. So is porn where they learn about sex? Discover what their bodies respond to and then expect or seek that? Yikes! (BTW, I highly recommend Peggy Orenstein’s book for parents of both boys and girls age 10 and up. And for dads as well as moms.)
I also asked my good friend Google. Skipping the religious sites ranting that porn is ravaging marriages and wrecks the arousal process in the brain, sabotages the ability to enjoy normal sex (some of which I confess I wondered), I found two articles in Psychology Today that gave some balanced perspective.
In her blog post The Real Danger Porn Poses to Relationships, Laurie Watson raises concerns about men using porn in place of their partners because porn is so easy and accessible. Real sex with real women is not as easy as hitting a few keys and wiping up afterward. I’d add that this is especially true as we get older and have to navigate the treacheries of menopause. But she also writes that watching some porn doesn’t make someone an addict and unable to get turned on by and be intimate with a partner, or that the relationship is destroyed.
Marty Klein, PhD, in Pornography: Great Fantasies, Poor Modeling, points out that people, kids in particular, need to realize that porn is not real, not a documentary, and that we shouldn’t compare ourselves or our partners to it. He also doesn’t believe that people prefer masturbating to porn to a healthy pleasurable sexual relationship with a real person. People turn to porn and masturbation because their relationships aren’t healthy but don’t want to talk about it.
Finally, I took the leap and watched some porn on the Internet (I can hear my mother now: “WHAT?!”) I figure I shouldn’t criticize something I know nothing about. I was so afraid I had that sick shaky feeling you get from an adrenaline dump. If I went to a porn site, would porn sites and sex toy ads start popping up on the ad panel when I searched Google? Would one of those mysterious posts show up on my Facebook feed that says “Kim Kelley likes Pornhub!”? I was sure I’d be marked for life and never get another job. My grocer would ban me from the store and Eddie Bauer would kick me out of the Friends program. I’d be shunned by my friends and family because EVERYONE WOULD KNOW I LOOKED AT PORN ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB!
Well, none of this happened of course (not yet anyway; I still have a niggling fear that something’s going to pop up – no pun intended). I was at first outraged and deeply disturbed by what I saw. The number of explicit sexual images flashing on my screen just three clicks in on a porn site menu page was overwhelming. Some I had no idea people actually did and others were just plain perverse.
I did find some videos of garden-variety sex, or what they call “vanilla” porn that wasn’t so bad. Unfortunately you have to know what to search for. I can just imagine the shock of innocent kids the first time they search for porn and they get an eyeful of the really raunchy stuff – stuff they need to know is not normal, can spread disease and cause serious harm, pain and humiliation. They need to know that there are some heinous, criminal things on these websites that no one should ever experience or see. And I’ll be honest, it’s been two weeks since I looked at those porn videos and the images are still with me, appearing in my mind, in vivid detail, out of the blue. I’m not “scarred for life” but that’s because I’m 54 and informed, not 13 and naïve.
Suffice it to say that porn is the fast and easy route to pleasure, release, and relaxation. It can be indicative of problems in a relationship, but isn’t always. Porn is not new, and erotic images, deeds, etc. have always been around. We start masturbating when we’re young and are stimulated by something, be it touch, fantasies we think up in our heads, a scene in a book or movie, Playboy magazine, or today, porn videos on the Internet.
I’m not saying porn is natural, just that we naturally think about and get aroused by sexual images, sometimes offensive things we would never want to do, but still turn us on. I mean, look at the popularity of Fifty Shades of Gray, or Nancy Friday’s books of people’s fantasies. If nothing else these books and their popularity help us to understand that they’re just stories and visuals we might use to arouse or enhance arousal and that we’re not necessarily depraved. After we read them, most of us go have plain old comfy normal vanilla sex with our partners – fat bellies, unmown crotches, sagging breasts and balls and all. And it’s either great, good enough, or not so good. If it’s not good, we can work on it, if we’re willing to talk to each other openly and honestly. We don’t have to turn to porn.
Porn is not going away, and people, including kids, are going to be exposed to it. I think we’re better off being open about it and explaining to kids what porn is and is not. Even going so far as parents sitting down with their kids if they catch them watching it and having a very frank discussion about it with the porn site open. Kids could be really confused about it and appreciate the opportunity to ask questions of someone they trust (I know, I know, says the woman without children). Wouldn’t we rather kids have a good foundational understanding of sex and the difference between normal sex and porn so that when they see unreal, abnormal, violent porn they can tell the difference? I think they’d have a much better chance at normal, respectful, loving sex and healthier self-images if we talked abouat this stuff with them. Sex is confusing enough – porn makes it more so.
I think it’s also helpful to be open about this as adults and talk with our partners about porn. While a little porn might not be a big deal, and can even be a useful tool to revitalize a flagging sex life, I do believe that porn can become addictive and destructive. What happens when one partner wants to explore and one doesn’t? He or she doesn’t even have to be prudish but just doesn’t want to watch porn or try toys or anal or other couples. Compromise, I guess. But honestly, if my husband insisted we watch porn, or try a threesome, or other kinky stuff, I would have a hard time. Over time and without compromise and respect for my feelings, it would hurt our relationship and probably be a deal breaker. I would lose respect for him as I struggled to maintain my self esteem.
So, am I a prude? No. I was just out of date, and blissfully ignorant in my comfy 27 year-old marriage.
Do I like porn? No.
Does it work? Yes. But so does reading a sex scene in a book (and nobody gets exploited or STIs from a book), an old-fashioned roll in the hay, and my imagination.
Do I think your average Joe who watches a little porn here and there is morally corrupt? No.
Do I think porn should be outlawed? Even if it was it would still exist so I think we just need to face it and provide a healthy counterbalance. Note that child pornography and distributing any porn to minors is illegal. We should educate kids (and probably plenty of adults) on how to have good, safe, respectful sex. There’s a great chapter about this in Girls and Sex titled, “What If We Told Them the Truth?”
Am I going to watch porn now that I’ve crossed that line? No. Personally, I don’t see it adding anything positive to my life. I’ll take old-fashioned vanilla, thank you.
Fiftyish and Feisty 